The Issue of Contentment

Before we moved to Scotland I had older people tell me that they wanted to do something similar when they were younger and just never did, and younger people would tell me they wished they could do what we were doing but they’re just too tied down with their current obligations. Several people said “you’re living my dream.” Now you might think from there I am going to write a post along the lines of “go for the gusto! Live your dreams! Let nothing stop you!” but no, that’s not where I’m going.

I have in many ways lived my life on impulse. I’ve always held down a steady job and have had excellent work ethic but outside of that I sort of do whatever the heck I feel like doing. I get anxious if I live in one home for too long, so I move (my husband puts up with it). I was in bands throughout my 20s, so it was many late nights, some travelling around, meeting lots of people, playing lots of shows, but I eventually got worn down and tired of that. I’m interested in too many things but not enough things. I love aerials and want to take all of the circus classes, but I generally limit myself to three per week… especially since I still have my dog agility practice to fit in. The idea of settling down, living in one home for years, having children, not being able to just get up and go do what I want at any given moment, the normal adult stuff absolutely terrifies me, it gives me a sinking feeling in my gut. All of that said, there will always be a small part of me that wishes I was the type to be content to settle down in one place, have a family, and all that grown up stuff. I think there must be a comfort in that stability, a comfort I will never know.

There is nothing wrong with settling down, having kids, living your life in one area, staying forever at the same job (if you enjoy that job). I understand how that could make one feel trapped at times; however, you are surrounded by a family that loves you (errr… I would hope so at least) and when you grow old you will have your children and their children to look after you, or at least to visit you after they toss ya into a home. Maybe you like where you live and don’t feel the need to move around like I do, I really admire that. Basically, what I’m saying here is that while one might envy me in some ways I am likely looking back at you and envying you in many ways as well. I envy stability; however, I can’t exist in it, I am a restless soul, a child in a toy store that needs to touch everything, running in circles, I can’t stay still.

I see people with their children and, more so as I get older, I admire that bond between a child and mother and/or father. That is a form of love that I will never experience in my life (experiencing it as a parent I mean). I’m nearing an age, maybe at the age, where time is running out and I could change my mind about having kids; however, I’m firm on my decision not to have children. It’s not for me for several reasons I’m not going to go into right now. Again though, I greatly admire those who have chosen to have children and, quite honestly, all of my friends who have had kids are doing a killer job of raising them and there are some awesome adults that will be hitting the world a little further down the road, thanks to their awesome parents.

I think we need to embrace our situations, our paths, and simply appreciate the choices we have made and the choices that other people have made, rather than feel like we’re missing out in some way. The beautiful thing is that we can enjoy our different journeys by sharing them with each other and appreciating how very different our paths are, how much more interesting that makes the world. While I look at some of my friends and at times envy the stability that I perceive they have, I can appreciate that that’s their journey and not mine. We are all wired a little differently and that’s a beautiful thing. I can’t stay still, I want to see and try all the things, I’m chasing dreams I may never catch, I’m horribly anxious about it all but the idea of living any other way makes me even more anxious. I have been blessed with a wonderful husband who tolerates my whimsy and goes along with it at times (I mean, he wanted to move to Santa Fe, I wanted Scotland… thanks, Love), and I have two amazing little creatures in my home that think I’m kind of amazing! Despite my nature I am truly blessed.

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