Missing Things

I’ve found myself oddly “homesick” lately in some ways. Actually, I don’t even think homesick is the right description since I can’t say the US felt like home but I am longing for things long past at this point. Allow me to start off by saying I love Glasgow. I love Scotland. I never want to leave this place. That said sometimes I get a feeling of wanting to run back to the US with my tail between my legs because I’m not up for the challenge at times.

I feel like I have met so many interesting and fun people since moving here. Both the husband and I do get out to visit with people fairly often; however, I feel utterly alone at times. To be fair, I felt pretty alone even in the U.S. where I knew many people. I could be at an event with lots of people I knew and liked yet I would feel so out of place. In groups, like at agility shows for example, people had known each other for years and there was a clear bond and even after a few years I still felt like an outsider… I tend to feel that in any group situation and see this as a flaw with myself, not those around me. What I’m saying is that this isn’t a new feeling for me, it’s just stronger now that the few people that I’m closest to, that care about my existence on earth, are thousands of miles away.

Even in the city here, a city full of transplants like myself, most people I know have several close friendships. They have that person they can call up and say “I’m not alright, can we hang out for a bit?” and I’m not sure if I’ll ever have that. Actually, I’m pretty sure if I emailed my best friend of 17 years right now and told him I was feeling like shit and wish we could hang out he would fly out here in a heartbeat, he’s just an awesome friend like that. I sure wouldn’t mind having a local support system though and that’s where things are kind of tough right now.

I find myself longing for my former agility community and the familiarity of the agility scene in the US. I’m definitely enjoying agility and the wonderful people here, I just miss some of the people that I knew for a few years before moving here and I long to compete at some of the venues that Chewie and I always had fun at. As mentioned above I find myself longing for deeper friendships. I miss being able to go visit my mom. I like my current job but I also long for my US job where I was working from home and making nearly 50k more than I am now. I miss the cute little town center in Mill Creek that we lived near for a little while.

I feel like this feeling of longing, of wanting to run back to something familiar, is temporary. I hope I’m right. If we ever had to leave Scotland I would be heart broken and I would miss it terribly, so while I want to run away at times I truly am committed to making things work here. Part of me thinks that the close friendships will develop over time but part of me knows better and knows that it’s just difficult to make close friends as an adult. People tend to have formed their bonds with others by this age and while you meet many people you like very few of those relationships go on to develop into deeper friendships.

This post is sort of a downer, isn’t it? My purpose in starting this blog was to memorialize this experience and part of that is being as authentic as possible. I think people tend to think people who up and move to other countries live these super exciting, adventurous lives and people just don’t realise how difficult uprooting one’s entire life and attempting to reestablish those roots in another country across the world is. People, it’s hard. I have many days where I look around and I can’t believe I’m here and I’m so grateful, but man we have struggled and continue to struggle. We aren’t yet truly established here, we have everything to lose, and it’s really hard at times. I keep feeling like things will be ok though, like in my gut I feel like we’re going to be alright.

I hope this post finds you well and if you get to see your close friend(s) or family this week give them and extra big hug. Never take them for granted.

2 thoughts on “Missing Things

  1. If it helps, I think this is normal. You’re just being honest about it, whereas many are not.I sometimes feel that way about here, and I’ve been here for almost 18 years now. I still feel myself wishing I could be in my sweats with messy hair and wearing my outdated glasses and laughing and telling horrid jokes and stories with my sisters or three best friends from my college days. I do feel lucky that I’ve gained some similar relationships here, but it took a long time. Keep yourself open. It will eventually come.

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    1. Aw, Beth, thank you! That actually does help to hear that. It’s hearing about other people’s experiences, like yours, that helps me to keep my head up and trust that things will come together.

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